I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch someone’s lights out. I wanted to die. After I calmed down, it now seemed like an over reaction, but I knew it certainly hadn’t felt like it at the time. After all, my girlfriend had told me that she basically had been ignoring me weeks because her mother thought it would, distract her from her studies, and that she was still afraid of what her dad would say about her “Gayness”. Although I certainly was a little too harsh with the don’t be surprised if I never speak to you again thing, I really did feel like my stating that she could talk to her brother, who “doesn’t give a fuck”, was legitimate advice. Also, personally, I thought she was trying to hard to be her brother, I mean trying for drum major and valedictorian is nice, and so is being the perfect marcher in band, but you have to worry about your mental health as well.
Reading that last paragraph, I thought, “wow that is rude”, and it kinda was, but I feel like it’s a solid argument. The problem is, I fucked up any chance I have of apologizing to her. I said I wouldn’t give her another second chance, but I want to so badly, although it’ll be a year before she even looks at me again. I play out the scene in my mind and all I see is me crying after attempting to apologize, and her walking away without even a glance. I guess this whole thing is boiling down to one thing; I am a lot weaker than I let on. I act like a badass lesbian, or a freaky band kid, but in reality I am just a bipolar teen whose pastimes include contemplating suicide and screaming into my pillow.
A while ago me and a couple of friends and I started a role playing group for an online comic. Our character’s were supposed to be fictional and fun, but mine was extremely suicidal, fragile and violent when she is upset. Several times she has had to be tranquilized to stop her from cutting off own her limbs. She also has the goofy/badass front that I try to pull off, and she is constantly on the brink of insanity. While I am probably not on the brink of insanity, all of the rest are indeed true details describing my personality when I am upset.
I am a piece of shit. I insulted the hell out my ex-girlfriend, and in the same hour sending bits of sad things to her, only to become one of the things I will always regret. I forgot where the line is and I crossed it. I could blame it on being bipolar, or the fact that I never think things through. And to think my mom was so proud for cutting it so “cleanly”, and now I might want to be dragging it out painfully thin until it snaps, just like last time, shames me. I hate pity and shame, yet they are the emotions that come the easiest.
I felt proud sending those strongly worded texts and coloring at the same time, but now I realize that I should have read your entire response before telling you to fuck off would have been wiser. I have refused to cry since then, even when our cat had to put down because I hate feeling weak, which ironically, makes me cry harder.
Honestly, I want to join a boxing league to let my anger out., but I would probably fuck that up as well. It would be more effective than beating up my tiny brother in anger not even directed at him though.
I hope I can talk to her without ruining it, because I want to help her through her pain, and get rid of my own guilt. I want to tell her she doesn’t have to be perfect. I want to tell her to relax, calm down, it’ll be okay. But i ruined everything. And now the only person that I’ve ever loved like this has been chased away by my own negativity.